struggling

It's hard to not be scared when an unknown future seems to be headed your way. WAIT? Isn't our future always unknown? Okay bad way to explain it--- how about instability--- wait... that's always there too, we just don't always worry about it.... okay let's try this again... I don't know if I'll have a contract AGAIN next year... this just makes my stomach hurt. I am a planner and I feel like in the last 2 years, we have just gotten our feet back on the ground debt wise and it just feels like the rug is about to be pulled out from under us... AGAIN! I am trying to move on from being so nervous about it but I'm just not there yet.  I'm trying not to be bitter at the decisions made by the 'powers that be' in our district and at the state level that could have drastic consequences for me... but not for them... yup makes me a little bit bitter and angry on a regular basis. Some days I wish I was 'tough enough' to tell people off because for a split second I think it would make me feel better. Then I realize that while I might feel better for a moment, it would hurt their feelings and in turn, my feelings would be hurt for causing another person pain. I just don't know how to be mean and then not care about it. My prayer at this point is that I'm given another contract which will give us a teeny bit of stability for one more year- won't know anything until May 15th when the deadline is to give us contracts or RIF notices... please help me to pray for the best decisions to be made for our family, our school district and at the state level regarding the education of our children.

Please pray that I can accept my future, whatever it may bring. Struggling with this one.

busy busy busy

How time flies!

Often times this blog gets forgotten, not because I don't enjoy writing on it but life just gets in the way. So my excuses for not writing the last...almost two months... full time job, full time Mommy and partner, and full time procrastinator. :)

Let's see... what has happened lately...

Kyleigh's soccer team won their championship game AND even more exciting-- Kyleigh got up the confidence to get after the ball and kicked it several times! This is big for her and it was so fun to watch her growth. She's also a FIRST grader! Oh my gosh!

Dax is... well Dax is just growing up so fast it's crazy to me. He'll be 3 in a week. That almost makes me want to cry because he is my BABY and may be my only baby. I must say though- our Dax is awfully fun to be around. He is so silly and is constantly saying new hilarious things--- he is also quite the little mimic and will repeat EVERYTHING! He is so sensitive too. He gets so upset anytime Mommy is hurt or even just says 'ow' and will say "Mommy, I save you!" He is definitely a Mommy's boy but does idolize his Dad too!

Dustin and I are just plugging away at work, being parents and throwing fun in there when we can. :)

We had two mudbog weekends in a row which resulted in Dustin being so tired he got sick for several days. We survived though and loved being able to end the season on a high note.


I am constantly reminded, it feels like, this fall as to how blessed we are to have good health and lots of love in our home. It's crazy how quickly things can change and serves to remind us to be grateful for every day.

Hopefully as things slow down a bit I'll be better about updating the blog.... hopefully... :) I tried doing a 10 on 10 but ended up only taking 4 pictures because I just plain forgot! Ha! Maybe November will be better...

EMPLOYED!!

On Monday, August 27th I started the day in the dumps. I was bummed. I hadn't gotten my call back and all the other teachers were headed into training for the first day of school. My attitude pretty much sucked.

I had an email in my inbox from one of my favorite families, hoping I was back for the year. I spent probably 20-30 minutes touching base with the Mom on the phone and trying not to cry! People just don't fully understand- these families become part of my family and not being able to work with them was so hard.

Another RIFed teacher and I were going to help with training for a few minutes and I headed out of my temporary office to see when we were supposed to head to the training. My principal was headed down the hallway toward me (with the other teacher just behind him) and held out his hand to me--- I thought-- "well that's nice, he's going to walk us down the hallway to the meeting and probably say something nice like..." at about this point in my thought process he walked ahead of me two steps into his office turned around, faced me, put his hand out for me to shake and said "hi, I'm the principal of CVA and I'd like to offer you a teaching position"

I laughed, I cried of a second, and was THOROUGHLY overwhelmed! Talk about surprised! Oh my gosh!  think I said 'thank you' about 10 times.

That became the whirlwind of my week. I immediately went to text Dustin (who, since he was quite confident everything would be okay, replied back with 'I told ya') and then RAN to find my bestest friend and sister- Leah. I really didn't mean to but I may have about taken her out by LEAPING into her arms! She and I have had a lot of heart to hearts about the frustration and uncertainty of not having a position. I was so excited to share my news-- she, of course, since she works in enrollment, already knew about the position. Stinker.

So this week I have gone from no teaching position to 90 students! Yahoo!!! AND BEST PART EVER two of my friends were called back right on my heels. :D

Such a week. I've been exhausted every day, most nights I can't remember actually going to bed!

As I posted on facebook: I am thankful, grateful and relieved- I GOT MY JOB BACK!!!!

In call back order: #1- ME, #2- Mandie, and #3 Ruthanna!

Love these girls!!

The Farm

Needed a more upbeat post... SO thought I'd showcase some of our farm living. No cow pictures, they aren't ours, they're so dirty they aren't cute at the moment and...well... I don't like them. Ha!

We live on my grandparents 80ish acre farm for just over two years now. This year has shown us why we are here... umm if you aren't going to have a job the best place to live is a home owned by your grandma!

ANYWAY... besides us our farm is home to....

Ms. Roxy,

a champion mouser and apparently a good breeder... 

yes, looks like we'll have more kittens soon

Prickles

he's pretty aloof... haven't gotten to touch him in a long time

He's also the last of Roxy's first littler of kittens

Sally

Great Mama, not sure she ever catches mice, 

and rough and tough as you can see by the scar on her nose

6 chickens...

three are named... although we don't know day to day which three have names...

Sunny, Popcorn and Rosie... This is.... one of those... or not...

 Thinking of getting them leg bands so we can ACTUALLY tell them all a part

 This chicken paced the fence watching Dax 'mow'

AND I've taken up gardening....

 Yes, those are weeds.... don't judge :-p

 Tomatoes are finally turning red!

PUMPKINS!!

 One lonely basil plant

 CORN!!!

Axle 

the worthless dog... 

I mean wonder dog...

no,  I mean worthless.

 

My little farm boy fast asleep

 

 Dustin in his 77 Chevy

I think that's the right year...

Sure nice to live on a farm :)

struggling...

This week I find myself struggling with the unknown of my job. I am such a planner and not knowing week to week if I'll have any kind of employment is really testing my faith and happy-nature. For the last month and a half I've been working temporarily as a academic advisor. I really like this position- lots of problem solving, trying to help parents find the right curriculum for their children and (as we've decided is a good quote) 'making the system work for the child, not the child work for the system.'

My struggle is remembering that there is a plan that is bigger than me for my life. Knowing that all of this uncertainty is happening for a reason. I can keep telling myself this but my heart isn't listening. It's painful to know that I have put the last 5 years into my teaching position and feel like I was thrown to the side like a bag of garbage.... I know this isn't how it really happened but sure feels like it sometimes.

The other struggle I have is the anticipation of next week... next week is when I would be going back to school.... if I had a contract... I don't even know for certain if I'll have my academic advisor position next week... it's hard... it makes me want to cry thinking of it....

That being said... I'm still hopeful. Or at least I try to be hopeful that I will have a teaching position of some kind in the coming months. It's looking like months at this point and not weeks. BUT if someone else in the 'powers that be' position tells me again how 'hopeful' THEY are I may SCREAM! It's easier to be hopeful for someone's position when YOU already have a job...

9 years ago

9 years ago today, my brother lost two of his friends in a silo accident.

Writing that sentence brings crocodile tears to my eyes. It makes my heart hurt and a lump form in my throat- the same thing happens every time I think of August 12, 2003.

I will always remember this day as I know so many people will. I can vividly remember working my summer job at our local hardware store and being called into my then boyfriend's aunt's office. She had been crying so I knew something was wrong. She looked at me and asked if I knew Tyler and Cody? Of course, they are my brother's friends, I've known them forever. They died.

I remember crying, I remember asking what, what happened, why did it happen, was everyone else okay? It was an accident in the silo, the fan didn't get turned on or wasn't working or something, they were overcome with methane gas. That was all we knew at that point. And at that point the rumor was that there may be another boy in the silo. No, no, no, no! Was all I could think and i wanted to be with my brother. 9 years ago they were just little boys-- just 16 years old. They were too young and my brother and his friends were too young to mourn two classmates. TWO classmates!

These boys had already lost so much. I believe the number, at that time, was 5 of them had lost their Dads. FIVE of these boys had already suffered the unthinkable and now they lost two of their very good friends- one of them had lost his dad just two days earlier.

Bill and I did a lot of hugging and crying those next few days, weeks, months... but my heart has never hurt so bad as when I watched my brother and his friends say good bye to their buddies. It will forever be burned in my mind watching the two caskets being loaded into the hurst flanked by all of the boys in their Cougar football jerseys, running to get to my brother after the service and just holding on to him, not wanting to let go, wanting to take even part of his pain away.

No one will ever really know what happened that day, the chain of events that lead to one of them falling or entering the silo and losing consciousness, we will never truly know who died first, who went in to rescue the other- what we do know is that these boys were such true friends that one of them gave of their life for the other. They were good boys.

In the years that have followed Bill and I have always visited Tyler and Cody's graves whenever we go there for a funeral or to visit our grandfather-- 'let's go see the boys' I know Bill and his friends have visited way more than I have.

In the end, these were our boys. Chewelah lost two wonderful boys that day. Two boys that I firmly believe were on their way to making a big difference in our community. Two boys who would have made fantastic men. Two boys who never got to be men.

9 years later we still cry for them, we still miss them and we still wish they were here. I pray for their families and their healing. I pray that they know that we still remember their boys and we still love them so much!

Tyler and Cody, you are gone but you will NEVER be forgotten.

August 10 on 10

 Look at me! I actually did the 10 on 10 AND I'm posting it on the 10th! Of course there is still a hick up... I definitely didn't take these over 10 hours but oh well :)

 #1 My redneck clothes line

#2

Sure must be nice to be able to take a nap every day 

and look so darn cute!. 

#3 checking on the chickens, in this picture they look ticked off LOL

#4

My favorite flowers in my beds- echinacea!

#5

These two lazy bums just barely picked up their heads for a picture- 

we've named the Dottie and Nick...
well I named Dottie, Dax randomly walked in the house with Nick
and told me "Mama, this is Nick" Ha!

#6 

Dax watching the neighbors farm,

he tells me that when he gets bigger he's going to be a farmer---

Papa says he needs bigger dreams LOL

 #7

Glad I found these guys with my eyes and not my hand like the last time!

 #8

Mama, I go see my baby chickens?? :)

#9 Houston, we have pumpkins!!

 #10 

With my little man