RIF

I've started this post several times over the last few weeks but each time I started it I would get to a certain point and hit delete. Why? Wanting to not admit out loud what I fear may happen and because of that word 'may' and 'might' and 'hopefully not.' I'm trying very hard to be optimistic but my optimism keeps waning.

Our district is facing a possible RIF or basically releasing some of us from employment. It's scary. It makes my stomach hurt and for the first time, it makes me cry. Come June I will have completed my 5th year with our organization.

 I've been a teacher for 5.4 years in June which blows my mind but I also can't believe that after 5 years I'm now facing not having the job that I have grown so accustom to. Facing instability that I thought I had avoided by staying in one spot and not trying out other positions. There have been other teaching jobs that have come up and I haven't even glanced their way because why would I leave a stable job? Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had left a few years ago. I don't want to leave though. I love having a job that allows me to work full time while also watching my son grow in front of my eyes. Heck, I love having a full time job.

I am not good at being unemployed--- since I was 12 years old I've had some kind of employment- babysitting, retail, office assistant, lifeguard, substitute teacher and classroom teacher. I don't know how to be unemployed and having a child makes it that much scarier to me. I am thankful there are programs out there that can help me insure that he will have health insurance. I know that we will be able to have food on the table and a roof over our heads but the things we don't expect like illness and injury scare me. That part makes me want to cry that much more. I feel like if I lose this job that I will be failing to provide the life for Dax that I want so badly for him. I know that he will always be loved, fed, dressed and safe but it's those silly things like- I want him to have new toys and new clothes each time he grows out of the old. This is something that I will have to work through and get over.

The good part of a RIF? I've been trying to come up with those just to give myself a positive spin. So here goes... more time with Dax unless I find another full time job, subbing- I love being a substitute teacher and have missed the classroom so much over the last few years, exploring the possibilities of a new career or occupation (not sure this is all good but could be), maybe going back to school to add an endorsement to my qualifications or to learn a new trade, and having lots of free time... The other perk to being a teacher is that I will still have a pay check until August. This gives me a couple months to concentrate exclusively on finding new employment-- when I'm not snuggling with Dax.

If you're still reading this, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to 'listen.'

I won't know anything for sure until May 15th (possibly earlier but that's highly unlikely) will update when I know something for sure.