Merry Christmas 2013

Aw it's Christmas Eve and as I take a few minutes to sit down this morning before the wonderful madness begins, I can't help but feel grateful for all the family we still get to visit with each year. I know that it will probably slow down or be more limited sooner than I'm ready for as traditions start to change. We have three beautiful great grandma's that our traditions are guided around and when they are gone (which better not be for a very long time) I know that things will change as our family travels great distances to mainly spend time with the great grandmas. For now though, I want to take advantage of building memories for Dax with these wonderful women and all of his aunts, uncles and cousins! It's often hard to find that balance of seeing everyone, running around like crazy and also really trying to feel the spirit of the season.

Sometimes it seems we forget that it is not about us adults who do the running but the kids whose eyes light up when we talk about going somewhere else to celebrate Christmas or who love spending time with their cousins running and playing. This year, I want to focus on this especially since it's our last Christmas carting around only Dax on Christmas. His last Christmas day with just him. I know next year will be amazing and beautiful with two little ones to share Christmas morning with and THREE for Christmas eve but there is something sweet about just spending it with Dax, one more only him Christmas. He asks on a daily basis when the baby will be here, he's excited! I love his excitement!

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a wonderfully Happy New Year!

Day 2 and 3

Well wouldn't ya know I would forgot to do formal pictures! Ha!

Here ya go...

Day 2: What I wore today: Snow clothes! We went sledding ALL DAY pretty much so this is what I rocked and underneath were layers and layers of warm clothes! Ha!

Day 3: The sky was clouded over all day so a picture of the gray sky just sounded gloomy... may try to pick this one up later in the schedule :)

Day 1- Self Portrait

Watching the kids play in the snow!

9 on 10 January

WELL this was supposed to be a 10 on 10  but apparently I only took 9 pictures! Oops!

 

One sick boy today! We were up most of the night dealing with puke. 

Finally passed out

 

Pictures from the cold, beautiful, snowy morning

 

 

How we spent the day-- Mommy working on the computer 

and Dax leaned up against me.

 What got me through the day...

 STUPID turkeys!

 If there is a bare spot ANYWHERE they are digging away

 

 why is it that the coldest weather brings beautiful pictures? 

Couldn't get over how pretty it was outside just before sunset

  

 Headed out to be sure the chickens have water

 What a difference a few hours makes!

2 naps and not being allowed to play outside-- revived!

Family Pictures 2012

Oh yes! It's that time of the year again- Family pictures!

We were so worried we'd be rained on but the weather turned out perfect for pictures.

Except for having a slightly crabby little boy who didn't want to cooperate all the time...

the shoot went off without a hitch. :) 

Already have next year's session paid for!

struggling

It's hard to not be scared when an unknown future seems to be headed your way. WAIT? Isn't our future always unknown? Okay bad way to explain it--- how about instability--- wait... that's always there too, we just don't always worry about it.... okay let's try this again... I don't know if I'll have a contract AGAIN next year... this just makes my stomach hurt. I am a planner and I feel like in the last 2 years, we have just gotten our feet back on the ground debt wise and it just feels like the rug is about to be pulled out from under us... AGAIN! I am trying to move on from being so nervous about it but I'm just not there yet.  I'm trying not to be bitter at the decisions made by the 'powers that be' in our district and at the state level that could have drastic consequences for me... but not for them... yup makes me a little bit bitter and angry on a regular basis. Some days I wish I was 'tough enough' to tell people off because for a split second I think it would make me feel better. Then I realize that while I might feel better for a moment, it would hurt their feelings and in turn, my feelings would be hurt for causing another person pain. I just don't know how to be mean and then not care about it. My prayer at this point is that I'm given another contract which will give us a teeny bit of stability for one more year- won't know anything until May 15th when the deadline is to give us contracts or RIF notices... please help me to pray for the best decisions to be made for our family, our school district and at the state level regarding the education of our children.

Please pray that I can accept my future, whatever it may bring. Struggling with this one.

busy busy busy

How time flies!

Often times this blog gets forgotten, not because I don't enjoy writing on it but life just gets in the way. So my excuses for not writing the last...almost two months... full time job, full time Mommy and partner, and full time procrastinator. :)

Let's see... what has happened lately...

Kyleigh's soccer team won their championship game AND even more exciting-- Kyleigh got up the confidence to get after the ball and kicked it several times! This is big for her and it was so fun to watch her growth. She's also a FIRST grader! Oh my gosh!

Dax is... well Dax is just growing up so fast it's crazy to me. He'll be 3 in a week. That almost makes me want to cry because he is my BABY and may be my only baby. I must say though- our Dax is awfully fun to be around. He is so silly and is constantly saying new hilarious things--- he is also quite the little mimic and will repeat EVERYTHING! He is so sensitive too. He gets so upset anytime Mommy is hurt or even just says 'ow' and will say "Mommy, I save you!" He is definitely a Mommy's boy but does idolize his Dad too!

Dustin and I are just plugging away at work, being parents and throwing fun in there when we can. :)

We had two mudbog weekends in a row which resulted in Dustin being so tired he got sick for several days. We survived though and loved being able to end the season on a high note.


I am constantly reminded, it feels like, this fall as to how blessed we are to have good health and lots of love in our home. It's crazy how quickly things can change and serves to remind us to be grateful for every day.

Hopefully as things slow down a bit I'll be better about updating the blog.... hopefully... :) I tried doing a 10 on 10 but ended up only taking 4 pictures because I just plain forgot! Ha! Maybe November will be better...

struggling...

This week I find myself struggling with the unknown of my job. I am such a planner and not knowing week to week if I'll have any kind of employment is really testing my faith and happy-nature. For the last month and a half I've been working temporarily as a academic advisor. I really like this position- lots of problem solving, trying to help parents find the right curriculum for their children and (as we've decided is a good quote) 'making the system work for the child, not the child work for the system.'

My struggle is remembering that there is a plan that is bigger than me for my life. Knowing that all of this uncertainty is happening for a reason. I can keep telling myself this but my heart isn't listening. It's painful to know that I have put the last 5 years into my teaching position and feel like I was thrown to the side like a bag of garbage.... I know this isn't how it really happened but sure feels like it sometimes.

The other struggle I have is the anticipation of next week... next week is when I would be going back to school.... if I had a contract... I don't even know for certain if I'll have my academic advisor position next week... it's hard... it makes me want to cry thinking of it....

That being said... I'm still hopeful. Or at least I try to be hopeful that I will have a teaching position of some kind in the coming months. It's looking like months at this point and not weeks. BUT if someone else in the 'powers that be' position tells me again how 'hopeful' THEY are I may SCREAM! It's easier to be hopeful for someone's position when YOU already have a job...

9 years ago

9 years ago today, my brother lost two of his friends in a silo accident.

Writing that sentence brings crocodile tears to my eyes. It makes my heart hurt and a lump form in my throat- the same thing happens every time I think of August 12, 2003.

I will always remember this day as I know so many people will. I can vividly remember working my summer job at our local hardware store and being called into my then boyfriend's aunt's office. She had been crying so I knew something was wrong. She looked at me and asked if I knew Tyler and Cody? Of course, they are my brother's friends, I've known them forever. They died.

I remember crying, I remember asking what, what happened, why did it happen, was everyone else okay? It was an accident in the silo, the fan didn't get turned on or wasn't working or something, they were overcome with methane gas. That was all we knew at that point. And at that point the rumor was that there may be another boy in the silo. No, no, no, no! Was all I could think and i wanted to be with my brother. 9 years ago they were just little boys-- just 16 years old. They were too young and my brother and his friends were too young to mourn two classmates. TWO classmates!

These boys had already lost so much. I believe the number, at that time, was 5 of them had lost their Dads. FIVE of these boys had already suffered the unthinkable and now they lost two of their very good friends- one of them had lost his dad just two days earlier.

Bill and I did a lot of hugging and crying those next few days, weeks, months... but my heart has never hurt so bad as when I watched my brother and his friends say good bye to their buddies. It will forever be burned in my mind watching the two caskets being loaded into the hurst flanked by all of the boys in their Cougar football jerseys, running to get to my brother after the service and just holding on to him, not wanting to let go, wanting to take even part of his pain away.

No one will ever really know what happened that day, the chain of events that lead to one of them falling or entering the silo and losing consciousness, we will never truly know who died first, who went in to rescue the other- what we do know is that these boys were such true friends that one of them gave of their life for the other. They were good boys.

In the years that have followed Bill and I have always visited Tyler and Cody's graves whenever we go there for a funeral or to visit our grandfather-- 'let's go see the boys' I know Bill and his friends have visited way more than I have.

In the end, these were our boys. Chewelah lost two wonderful boys that day. Two boys that I firmly believe were on their way to making a big difference in our community. Two boys who would have made fantastic men. Two boys who never got to be men.

9 years later we still cry for them, we still miss them and we still wish they were here. I pray for their families and their healing. I pray that they know that we still remember their boys and we still love them so much!

Tyler and Cody, you are gone but you will NEVER be forgotten.

August 10 on 10

 Look at me! I actually did the 10 on 10 AND I'm posting it on the 10th! Of course there is still a hick up... I definitely didn't take these over 10 hours but oh well :)

 #1 My redneck clothes line

#2

Sure must be nice to be able to take a nap every day 

and look so darn cute!. 

#3 checking on the chickens, in this picture they look ticked off LOL

#4

My favorite flowers in my beds- echinacea!

#5

These two lazy bums just barely picked up their heads for a picture- 

we've named the Dottie and Nick...
well I named Dottie, Dax randomly walked in the house with Nick
and told me "Mama, this is Nick" Ha!

#6 

Dax watching the neighbors farm,

he tells me that when he gets bigger he's going to be a farmer---

Papa says he needs bigger dreams LOL

 #7

Glad I found these guys with my eyes and not my hand like the last time!

 #8

Mama, I go see my baby chickens?? :)

#9 Houston, we have pumpkins!!

 #10 

With my little man

All over the place :)

Hello! Wow, it's been a long time since I posted last! Yikes!

So...got my RIF notice... still don't have a call back but I am cautiously optimistic. I am the first teacher called back and our numbers are looking encouraging...fingers crossed! With being RIFed I can't seem to find my summer excitement this year. It just doesn't feel right to be on summer break and not know when I'll be going back to school. I feel like I can't relax yet. I sure hope I get a call back soon so I can settle in and enjoy some time off with my family.

So we're on day 3 of summer vacation :) Dax and I... I mean I have gotten a lot accomplished really :) The main flower beds are now pretty much weed free-- pretty sure they are never 100% weed free--- the garden has things growing in it AND I've already harvest a row of radishes! Dustin has been working his tail off to improve the look of the place-- old ratty fence torn down, weeds have been mowed to blend them in with everything else (ha!), and coming up with some ideas for other projects around the place. :) Speaking of projects, one of them will be a CHICKEN COOP!! We have 6 Buff Orpington chicks growing like crazy in a brooder in our kitchen. Yahoo! Dustin's Dad has taken on the task of creating a future home for them and Dustin and I... I mean Dustin... will be creating a run to add to it. I am so excited to have chickens on the farm. I am told that there were chickens here many, many years ago but never when I could remember. They were butcher chickes though... not these girls though. Hopefully these girls will help control the bug population and maybe we'll get an egg or two to enjoy from time to time. :)

We also recently had SEVEN kittens from two different mamas kitties. Two went to new homes yesterday so we're down to FIVE, anyone want a kitten?? They are all up for adoption!! Once they are gone our Mamas are going to be fixed so we won't have this problem any more. Ha!

Dax is growing like a weed! I can't believe how much bigger he seems to me lately, may be because several of our friends have had babies lately giving me a perspective on how grown up Dax has become. He does love those little babies too! My friend Carley had a super sweet little boy, Eli who Dax fell madly in love with and held for quite awhile. I was so surpised at how still he sat just watching baby Eli. What a love he is! Dax is also quite the mimic which is usually very funny! He has said a many things that make us laugh out loud-- including telling me to 'go to the corner' when he found a pen mark on my arm while grocery shopping. He has become very sensitive to sounds. Things like the lawn mower and 4-wheeler that never used to bother him at all now have him saying 'I don't like it' but will gladly go for a ride. We'll see how this plays out at the mudbog this weekend... luckily he has headphones to wear to drown out the noise a little. I sure hope his love for the trucks outweighs his nervous-ness about them.


So that's the short update on what's been happening around here. Hopefully I'll be better about posting this summer. With any luck my next post will be I GOT MY JOB BACK!!!

finding some peace

So it seems as though I will be joining the ranks of the unemployed at least temporarily. While I haven't officially gotten a RIF notice, We know that the district is going to keep 12 teaching positions--- I'm #13 in seniority... you do the math. Being #13 though also means that I should be the first teacher called back. It's supposed to be a call back by seniority.

I titled this blog, finding some peace, because I've been trying to do that. I've found peace in the idea that I'll get to be a stay at home Mom to Dax- HELLO I've always wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I find peace in knowing that for at least a year we will be 'okay' financially- my unemployment will be roughly what I take home after taxes/health insurance/ and other with-holdings currently. I've found peace that I will be able to be a substitute teacher again- loved that before I got this job. I find peace in this may be a great opportunity to see what else is out there. I find peace in thinking that it might be fun to write blog posts about how a Stay at home/substitute teacher keeps busy. I find peace in finally having my own classroom...maybe.

For me it's kind of odd to find peace in this because I usually would be a basket case at something happening that is outside of my control. In the past I would have already dropped 10 pounds from being sick with anxiety. So far that hasn't happened. For me it's kind of weird to have 'normal' feelings and basically let go of that which I can't control. I think it has helped me to figure out which school districts I would be willing to drive to for a job-- it's pretty far reaching. If this does nothing else it is reaffirming the fact that when I do feel anxious I need to find the things I can control and hold on to them. To do what I can to help the situation but to also not panic over the things I cannot control. This is big for me.

I used to be silly

Today I was reading a post from another blogger about how full her childhood was which got me thinking about mine and THEN got me thinking about what the heck happened to me??? I used to be so silly! I was in drama plays which had me on stage in front of hundreds of people (silliest was being in the Velveteen Rabbit as a bunny) OO I was in a traveling roadshow in which I had to sing and dance in front of my peers from different schools, I was part of our local Jr. Miss program and did a monologue as an evil stepsister, I used to perform every year with one of my best friends in our school talent show-- we would lip sync to  rather adult songs and just be silly on stage-including throwing candy into the audience! Bubba Shot the Jukebox and Any Man of Mine (there was a 3rd but I can't remember what it was) have special memories that I hold near and dear to my heart. PLUS I am an elementary teacher! Being silly is in our BLOOD!

In thinking about it, I'm pretty sure I pinpointed when this change happened... it was a series of years that ended in what I call 'the divorce' in which I wasn't forced but wasn't encouraged, for sure, to not be as outgoing and active in areas that pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I became a firm resident of the comfort zone. I have always wished I had not given up on what I loved to do. Oh well, can't back that up, can just move forward. Having a 2 year old definitely helps to find the silly again. We dance and run and laugh a lot!

I'm working on finding the silly again. :)

New Mom advice...

I went to one of my sweet friend's surprise mini baby shower yesterday and at one point our friend who organized the shower said she had hoped to create little note cards for all of us to write our advice to her on. I wasn't sure if anyone would be offended by what I would have written... here it is:

The best new mom advice I ever got after having Dax...

Ask when you don't know or are worried about something BUT
if your gut tells you something else, listen to it.
Sometimes the best advice is to NOT listen to every other Mom telling you
what she did, didn't do, would never do or thinks every mom should do.
Sometimes the best advice is to be YOUR child's Mom and figure it out for yourself.

I believe this came from my Mom during one of my crying fits. :)

While I have a very sweet friend who is my 'go to' with Dax questions or pretty much any quesiton under the sun, I have learned over the last two and a half years that really, truly it is best to go with what your gut is telling you when it comes to baby 'things.' I have heard too many stories about how a parent listened to their internal voice and saved their child from getting much sicker or even their life. I think my problem is I have always had an anxiety problem and whenever anything out of the normal comes up, I immediately think the worst-- I have been blessed though to not have my major anxiety attacks anymore. Those were the worst... okay getting off subject...

Being a Mom or Dad is hard work. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. While it is full of hugs, kisses, snuggles and silly stories to tell, it is also full of tantrums, scrapes, bruises, talking back or not listening at all. It's full of HARD decisions every day but it is also the most rewarded job around.

 I am so blessed to be part of a team raising Dax. Dustin is the best and when I am about to lose my mind he seems to always swoop in with either his Daddy voice or his big arms to scoop Dax up and redirect him. THIS is why we're supposed to be with a partner when raising children because doing it on your own would be very, VERY hard! Not impossible, of course, but much harder.

I am blessed. I love my family!

RIF

I've started this post several times over the last few weeks but each time I started it I would get to a certain point and hit delete. Why? Wanting to not admit out loud what I fear may happen and because of that word 'may' and 'might' and 'hopefully not.' I'm trying very hard to be optimistic but my optimism keeps waning.

Our district is facing a possible RIF or basically releasing some of us from employment. It's scary. It makes my stomach hurt and for the first time, it makes me cry. Come June I will have completed my 5th year with our organization.

 I've been a teacher for 5.4 years in June which blows my mind but I also can't believe that after 5 years I'm now facing not having the job that I have grown so accustom to. Facing instability that I thought I had avoided by staying in one spot and not trying out other positions. There have been other teaching jobs that have come up and I haven't even glanced their way because why would I leave a stable job? Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had left a few years ago. I don't want to leave though. I love having a job that allows me to work full time while also watching my son grow in front of my eyes. Heck, I love having a full time job.

I am not good at being unemployed--- since I was 12 years old I've had some kind of employment- babysitting, retail, office assistant, lifeguard, substitute teacher and classroom teacher. I don't know how to be unemployed and having a child makes it that much scarier to me. I am thankful there are programs out there that can help me insure that he will have health insurance. I know that we will be able to have food on the table and a roof over our heads but the things we don't expect like illness and injury scare me. That part makes me want to cry that much more. I feel like if I lose this job that I will be failing to provide the life for Dax that I want so badly for him. I know that he will always be loved, fed, dressed and safe but it's those silly things like- I want him to have new toys and new clothes each time he grows out of the old. This is something that I will have to work through and get over.

The good part of a RIF? I've been trying to come up with those just to give myself a positive spin. So here goes... more time with Dax unless I find another full time job, subbing- I love being a substitute teacher and have missed the classroom so much over the last few years, exploring the possibilities of a new career or occupation (not sure this is all good but could be), maybe going back to school to add an endorsement to my qualifications or to learn a new trade, and having lots of free time... The other perk to being a teacher is that I will still have a pay check until August. This gives me a couple months to concentrate exclusively on finding new employment-- when I'm not snuggling with Dax.

If you're still reading this, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to 'listen.'

I won't know anything for sure until May 15th (possibly earlier but that's highly unlikely) will update when I know something for sure.

New Years Resolution

So to be totally honest, I think New Years resolutions are silly. We never stick to them, so why make them???

Now, that being said. I'm going to see if posting on here what I would LIKE to do in 2012 will help me stick to it. I usually keep my resolutions to myself because I know I'll only stick to it for a couple of weeks. ha! SO my New Years resolution for 2012 is..... to be more healthy.

I figure that is broad enough to hopefully make it stick for at least a couple of months. I am a very healthy person (meaning I almost never get colds or other bugs) but I can always improve---I need to eat better and exercise more.

My biggest issue with exercise is I get bored very quickly. I hate exercising in the house and since we live in the middle of a big hill it's hard to take Dax with me for walks. SO those are my excuses for not exercising... I'm going to try to get over the exercising in the house one, ha! :) My goal is to exercise for 1/2 an hour 2-3 times a week and then slowly increase the frequency. I think I can get up 1/2 an hour early a few days a week and accomplish this without the help of Mr. Dax.

For those who know me I am not very good at eating good foods like veggies. For most I can't stand their texture. I have already done a lot better with expanding my food selections but this year I want to do even more 'trying' :)

Well there, I did it, it's public... let's see if I stick to it. :)

Wishing you and yours a wonderful, blessed 2012!!